Kathleen Badman

Just as important as the decision to start, is to select a process that will not unnecessarily contribute to the possibility of escalating the matter into a “fight.”  For this reason, consistent with the advice of Ed Sherman, author of the prize winning “How to Do Your Own Divorce In California” you should try to stay away from retaining an attorney.  For over 20 years, Divorce Helpline has been helping people with the delicate balance of keeping one or both parties well informed of their rights, responsibilities and options so that a “fair” so that a dialogue can occur and hopefully, an agreement can be reached.   But again, one step at a time…

We can help you get the process started immediately — all you have to do is complete the questionnaire at:

http://divorcehelp.com/cdp.html

and press ’send’ — we’ll call to make certain that you want to start, take billing information, and send the paperwork to you for your signature within two working days–So much easier than driving downtown to a high-priced attorney–So much easier than printing the forms yourself and driving to the courthouse (only to learn that the budget crisis has resulted in a furlough day for court staff!)

This is an easy resolution to keep, and you’ll feel much better knowing that you’ve taken the first step towards finishing your divorce.  Our staff is kind, understanding and efficient.  Let us help you accomplish this New Year’s resolution.

We will be open Monday – Friday, 9 am to 5 pm (closed New Year’s Eve).  Call us at 800-359-7004 for more information. We’re here to help.

You’ve been kind, honorable, and sensitive to my needs.  You’ve been calming when I have felt hysterical.  You’ve been comforting when I felt so alone and terrorized by the one person I thought would always be there for me.

If I have to go through this process, then I am glad that it was in your capable and caring hands.

Family law generally requires that the assets accumulated during the marriage be fairly divided at dissolution, and that they be valued to accomplish this.  A fair property settlement must consider the value of all retirement plans earned during the marriage and apportion them between marital and separate property.

A “defined benefit” pension may be distributed by means of a QDRO, which provides for the future pension payments to be divided between the spouses at retirement.  But if the divorcing parties wish to complete an immediate “buy-out” by trading or exchanging the various assets, the pension must be assigned a value, just like a house or family business.  The pension may be valued so that it can be divided unequally between the spouses to balance the values of other assets, or “survivor benefits” may be involved, which are of value to the non-pensioner spouse.

Legal Economic Evaluations has performed more than 30,000 pension valuations nationwide.  Our expert analysts work with you to get the job done in a timely manner.  Our reports are easy to read and understand.

For more information, please contact us at (800) 221-6826, or visit our website at www.legaleconomic.com

Most people, including attorneys, believe that Family Law Judges will always make legal rulings consistent with the law and with common sense.  Not so!  Even experienced Family Law Judges sometimes make legal rulings that can literally ruin lives.

I believe that sometimes this occurs out of ignorance, and sometimes because the Judge believes that it is “fair” to make a bad ruling, and figures that the aggrieved party won’t go through the expense or trouble of filing a legal appeal (essentially, a request for relief from a bad judgment).

Just this week a very experienced Family Law Judge in a large Northern California county (let’s call him or her “Judge X”) made a shocking ruling:  in essence, he or she ordered that a house, which was “upside-down” (worth less than the mortgage) be awarded to one spouse as her sole property, while at the same time ordering that the other spouse remain on the mortgage indefinitely!

Sometimes this is appropriate when there are special-needs children that would be harmed if they lose their family home, but that wasn’t the case here.

Normally when one spouse wishes to “keep the house” they have to show two things to the court:  first, that they can pay out to the other spouse their ownership interest in the house (either in cash or by trading items of equal value), and that they can refinance the underlying mortgage in their own name, or otherwise relieve the other spouse from liability for the mortgage.

Why?  Because when my spouse gets the house, but my name remains on the mortgage, I am, in legalese, “jointly and severably liable” for the mortgage.  This means if my spouse dies, the mortgage company comes after me for 100% of the mortgage.  If my spouse files bankruptcy, the mortgage company comes after me for 100% of the mortgage.

And if the house is “awarded” to my spouse, even though I bear the same risk, I don’t own the house:  if by next year the house has gained in value, and now has a net value of $100,000.00, that all is the property of my spouse–I get none of it.

Further, if I am liable on the mortgage of my ex-spouse’s house, this will skew my debt-to-income ratio and make it all but impossible for most folks to ever get another home mortgage.  Finally, if my ex-spouse fails to make even one mortgage payment on time–suddenly I have the dreaded “30-day late” entry on my credit report, which will instantly wreck my credit rating in most cases.

That is what makes Judge X’s ruling so wrong:  one spouse gets all of the benefit of house ownership, while the other spouse gets no benefits, or ownership rights, but bears all of the same risk as spouse number one.  It’s like being forced into a business partnership where you get no profit, and no equity if the business is ever sold, but you are 100% liable for the debts!

This is a good example of the risks you run when you put your future, and the future of your family, in the hands of a Family Law Judge, even when he or she is a well-qualified, well-regarded judicial officer–you never know when ignorance, or a personal bias or conviction, can work an injustice.

Experience and academic studies have helped us identify the basic elements of a successful divorce. “Successful,” as used here, means completing the process of emotional separation, reaching a new center of balance as a single person, maintaining the welfare of your children, and establishing healthy attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your past marriage.

Absence of conflict is not part of the ideal divorce. A degree of anger and conflict is natural, useful, even constructive. It helps to break the bonds of attachment and old patterns of relationship; it makes you think and reflect; it makes you change. But excessive and destructive conflict requires special treatment. The discussion of severe conflict and how to deal with it is in Lesson 7 of A Short Divorce Course.

Apart from peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical advantages to struggling as hard as you can to make your divorce better. The closer you can get to the ideals discussed below, the better it will be for you and your family:

• You will ease tensions and conflict
• You will have a far greater chance for compliance with terms of agreements
• You will save thousands in legal costs
• If you have children, you will greatly improve co-parenting and cooperation

Elements of a successful divorce:

Mutuality. Lack of mutual sharing in the decision to divorce is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post-divorce periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together. This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best thing under the circumstances. The spouses should be mutually active in negotiating terms and in co-parenting. The most stable settlements occur when both spouses take an active role in the negotiations, not simply leaving it to a lawyer. A good divorce is an actively mutual enterprise.

Attitude. Each spouse should end up with a balanced view of the other spouse and of the marriage experience. There should be a sense of emotional and spiritual closure. You should be free of any lingering feeling of blame, guilt or failure. You want to create increased self-understanding, the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a sense of self-confidence.

Children. In an ideal divorce, injury to children is minimized, primarily through maintaining good co-parenting relations. Children can literally be destroyed by fighting between their parents, so it is very important that parents be able to work together for the well-being of their children. When not resolved, conflict can go on for years, even after the legal divorce is over. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that they are the cause of the divorce.

Trying to create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal you try to achieve, like ideal health or achievement in some sport. Your goals are something you work toward, but you don’t want to beat yourself up every time you fall short. Just try your best. The closer you can get, the better and smoother your divorce will go, and the better your future will be.