Just as important as the decision to start, is to select a process that will not unnecessarily contribute to the possibility of escalating the matter into a “fight.”  For this reason, consistent with the advice of Ed Sherman, author of the prize winning “How to Do Your Own Divorce In California” you should try to stay away from retaining an attorney.  For over 20 years, Divorce Helpline has been helping people with the delicate balance of keeping one or both parties well informed of their rights, responsibilities and options so that a “fair” so that a dialogue can occur and hopefully, an agreement can be reached.   But again, one step at a time…

We can help you get the process started immediately — all you have to do is complete the questionnaire at:

http://divorcehelp.com/cdp.html

and press ’send’ — we’ll call to make certain that you want to start, take billing information, and send the paperwork to you for your signature within two working days–So much easier than driving downtown to a high-priced attorney–So much easier than printing the forms yourself and driving to the courthouse (only to learn that the budget crisis has resulted in a furlough day for court staff!)

This is an easy resolution to keep, and you’ll feel much better knowing that you’ve taken the first step towards finishing your divorce.  Our staff is kind, understanding and efficient.  Let us help you accomplish this New Year’s resolution.

We will be open Monday – Friday, 9 am to 5 pm (closed New Year’s Eve).  Call us at 800-359-7004 for more information. We’re here to help.

Family law generally requires that the assets accumulated during the marriage be fairly divided at dissolution, and that they be valued to accomplish this.  A fair property settlement must consider the value of all retirement plans earned during the marriage and apportion them between marital and separate property.

A “defined benefit” pension may be distributed by means of a QDRO, which provides for the future pension payments to be divided between the spouses at retirement.  But if the divorcing parties wish to complete an immediate “buy-out” by trading or exchanging the various assets, the pension must be assigned a value, just like a house or family business.  The pension may be valued so that it can be divided unequally between the spouses to balance the values of other assets, or “survivor benefits” may be involved, which are of value to the non-pensioner spouse.

Legal Economic Evaluations has performed more than 30,000 pension valuations nationwide.  Our expert analysts work with you to get the job done in a timely manner.  Our reports are easy to read and understand.

For more information, please contact us at (800) 221-6826, or visit our website at www.legaleconomic.com

Most people, including attorneys, believe that Family Law Judges will always make legal rulings consistent with the law and with common sense.  Not so!  Even experienced Family Law Judges sometimes make legal rulings that can literally ruin lives.

I believe that sometimes this occurs out of ignorance, and sometimes because the Judge believes that it is “fair” to make a bad ruling, and figures that the aggrieved party won’t go through the expense or trouble of filing a legal appeal (essentially, a request for relief from a bad judgment).

Just this week a very experienced Family Law Judge in a large Northern California county (let’s call him or her “Judge X”) made a shocking ruling:  in essence, he or she ordered that a house, which was “upside-down” (worth less than the mortgage) be awarded to one spouse as her sole property, while at the same time ordering that the other spouse remain on the mortgage indefinitely!

Sometimes this is appropriate when there are special-needs children that would be harmed if they lose their family home, but that wasn’t the case here.

Normally when one spouse wishes to “keep the house” they have to show two things to the court:  first, that they can pay out to the other spouse their ownership interest in the house (either in cash or by trading items of equal value), and that they can refinance the underlying mortgage in their own name, or otherwise relieve the other spouse from liability for the mortgage.

Why?  Because when my spouse gets the house, but my name remains on the mortgage, I am, in legalese, “jointly and severably liable” for the mortgage.  This means if my spouse dies, the mortgage company comes after me for 100% of the mortgage.  If my spouse files bankruptcy, the mortgage company comes after me for 100% of the mortgage.

And if the house is “awarded” to my spouse, even though I bear the same risk, I don’t own the house:  if by next year the house has gained in value, and now has a net value of $100,000.00, that all is the property of my spouse–I get none of it.

Further, if I am liable on the mortgage of my ex-spouse’s house, this will skew my debt-to-income ratio and make it all but impossible for most folks to ever get another home mortgage.  Finally, if my ex-spouse fails to make even one mortgage payment on time–suddenly I have the dreaded “30-day late” entry on my credit report, which will instantly wreck my credit rating in most cases.

That is what makes Judge X’s ruling so wrong:  one spouse gets all of the benefit of house ownership, while the other spouse gets no benefits, or ownership rights, but bears all of the same risk as spouse number one.  It’s like being forced into a business partnership where you get no profit, and no equity if the business is ever sold, but you are 100% liable for the debts!

This is a good example of the risks you run when you put your future, and the future of your family, in the hands of a Family Law Judge, even when he or she is a well-qualified, well-regarded judicial officer–you never know when ignorance, or a personal bias or conviction, can work an injustice.

When you decide it’s time to file for a divorce, tax consequences are probably the last thing on your mind. This makes it too easy for you to miss serving your Petition in time to get a final judgment of divorce entered by December 31. And for many couples, being able to file as “single” or “head of household” might save a bundle in federal and state taxes.

This is especially true since the 1993 tax laws. Before, it was mostly high earners who worried about tax strategies. Now, increases in earned-income credit can make it pay for low earners to be free to choose “head of household” as a filing status. For example, if you and your spouse each earn $10,000 per year and have two children, you could save over $3,000 if you each file as “head of household.”

But, because of the six-month waiting period for divorce, if the Petition isn’t served by June 30, you cannot be divorced by December 31. You won’t be free to choose options that can save you money. What to do? Simple: you can get a judgment of legal separation fairly quickly and that will give you wider tax options when next April rolls around.

Legal separation has no six-month waiting period; you can get a judgment as quickly as you can get your papers through the court (a bit sluggish in some counties). Later, you can file another action for divorce. The downside is that you have to pay a new filing fee and, possibly, the cost of having Divorce Helpline or a paralegal complete your divorce paperwork. But the tax savings may far outweigh these costs.

To find out if a legal separation will improve your bottom line, take a trip to your CPA before you take a trip to the courthouse and find out which filing status will work best for both of you. Then decide if it pays to file for separation or divorce.

More financial reasons to consider legal separation:

• If a non-employee spouse has a pre-existing condition or for some other reason will not be able to get medical insurance, some plans allow you to keep a separated spouse on the employee spouse’s health insurance.
• To remain legally married until the ten-year deadline for certain Social Security benefits.
• To remain legally married until the ten-year deadline for military pension enforcement advantages or a twenty-year deadline for PX and commissary benefits.

There is another strong reason to consider filing for legal separation rather than divorce, and it has nothing to do with money. If you or your spouse are unsure that you want a divorce, but feel that some legal space is required to gain time to think things through, filing for legal separation is a good option. It is a softer action, one that doesn’t close the door so loudly on reconciliation.

Talk to your Divorce Helpline attorney at 800-359-7004 to see if legal separation is the best choice for you.

Reducing conflict never means that you have to compromise your rights or self-respect. It can be hard work, but making the effort can help you a great deal, personally, whether or not it reaches your spouse or gets you an agreement. Those are by-products; the real benefit is inside.

Conflict is what happens when two people have a different way of looking at the same facts or have to reconcile different goals and interests. It happens all the time; so what?

Healthy conflict leads to solutions. It’s not always easy, but you can usually work things out through discussion and compromise.

Unhealthy conflict is when negative emotions pervert or displace an otherwise honest disagreement. The emotions that fuel unhealthy conflict are a combination of each spouse’s own ancient attitudes, experiences, and habits coupled with all the patterns and distortions built up in the relationship. Untangling any part of this terrible can of worms will be a blessing for the rest of your life.

If you are like most couples — not just divorcers — you have a predictable pattern of interaction that doesn’t work. You have your own personal set of triggers that will set you off more or less the same way every time, over and over again. You have habit patterns for dealing with disagreements that do not serve you well or solve any problems. It may not be intentional, it may not even be conscious, but you know each other’s buttons and you both push them automatically, without even thinking, especially when feeling angry, frightened or guilty.

Don’t do that anymore.

Maybe it doesn’t take much of a push on a button to get your bell to ring; maybe you are so upset that it rings almost by itself. Maybe your spouse is in a highly emotional condition too, acting like someone you wish you never knew and you are taking it all very personally. Don’t do that either.

Stop letting your mate’s moods dominate your life. That’s over. You don’t need to do it any longer. You are not divorcing just your spouse, you are also divorcing yourself from all those old patterns that didn’t work.

The divorce starts to work for you when you learn to untangle yourself from all those ugly dances you used to do. If you just stop (not easy to do), your mate may keep on, but will eventually have to notice that it’s a solo performance. If not, too bad, but your ex-mate’s problems aren’t yours. Your problem is how you act, how you feel, and how to handle your own life.

You probably can’t control your mate, but you can concentrate on healing your own emotions and controlling your own actions. That’s your whole focus now.

We are talking about controlling actions here, not feelings. Don’t try to control your feelings — they are real and valid. Observe your feelings, accept them, but express them some other way.

Stop. Breathe. Don’t react.

Pay attention to what’s going on for you. Are you angry? Hurt? Afraid? . . . What?

Be curious; investigate yourself and the scene.

Stop. Breathe. Don’t react. Say this over and over to yourself whenever things start to pop loose.

Anger

Even while an event is in progress, you can be trying to figure out what the anger is all about. Anger is the flip-side of fear. When someone is afraid, the least little thing will set them off into a crisis of reactive anger. Fear is mostly unconscious and usually about not having enough — not enough security, power, respect, love or stability. Fear is about loss of face, not being in control, not having enough money, fear of change, fear of responsibility, things like that. What is your spouse afraid of? What are you afraid of?

To figure out what anger is about, you have to listen. Honest, open listening is the best thing you can do when someone is angry. You don’t have to buy into their anger or agree with their point-of-view, just understand. If you are sincerely trying to hear what the angry person is saying and understand what’s behind the anger — if you are not reacting to it, defending yourself from it, arguing, denying, dismissing or patronizing — then their anger will have nothing to feed on and will spend itself sooner. The angry person may save face by staying huffy and self-righteous, but your attitude will be noticed and will have a cumulative effect over time. If not fed, anger collapses from its own weight.

Patterns

Curiosity is a great attitude and a great tool. The most constructive thing you can do is to try to figure out the mutual patterns that never did and still don’t work. More particularly, you want to understand the part you play.

Don’t try to change anything, not at first; just observe when it’s happening. Stop. Breathe. Even if you don’t untangle the web, taking this attitude will be a big improvement.

Just observe, don’t respond. Notice how easily you fall into the old routine, how bad you feel after. Oops, did it again! It’s hard to stop, like asking a trout not to flash at splashing flies; like quitting an addiction cold turkey, only harder because you probably aren’t always aware when you are doing it. Breaking old bad habits will greatly increase your future happiness. You may be able to do it by yourself, but some good professional help could be very useful at this point.

Working on your self is the most interesting of all possible paths. It may be the hardest — and most rewarding — thing you will ever do. This is when you develop your sense of personal responsibility. You are breaking your psychological dependency on your spouse, no longer depending on your mate for your own sense of well-being and worth; you will no longer let your feelings be determined by your mate’s moods and actions.

You and only you are responsible for your feelings and your actions. It isn’t your fault when you are down, or anyone else’s, but it is your responsibility to get up.

When times are hard, pay special attention to your body. Take care of it; relax it; be good to it. This is a healing time. Eat well, get healthy. Slow down, be quiet, hole up, nest. Get massage, work on those knots. Take hot baths and/or cold showers, whatever works. Feeling bad isn’t so bad if you don’t feel bad about it. Just let it happen; it’s proof you’re alive and learning.

You know how sometimes it’s easy for you to see what’s really going on between two arguing people? Or how you can observe other people’s patterns when they can’t? What if someone could do that for you now? This is a good time to get some third person to listen, observe, give you feedback and advice. That’s what professional family counselors are trained to do. Counseling and how to choose a counselor are discussed below.

Friends are wonderful moral support, but don’t take advice from just anybody. Listen only to people who have wisdom and experience. Being a friend and caring about you doesn’t make that person qualified to give good advice. If your friend is helping you get worked up, dwell on grievances or wallow in your stuff, get your advice somewhere else.

Practical Pointers:

1. Anger is not reasonable. When someone reaches the flash point, the ability to reason gets less as anger increases. Don’t bother trying to talk sense until the anger is well past. Anger always passes. It runs its course faster if you don’t feed it, faster yet if you use defusing techniques (below).
2. Deal with the problem, not the person.
3. You do not have to give in or be a doormat.
   • Rights: You have the right to act in your own best interest; to respect and stand up for yourself; to politely express ideas and honest emotions; to ask for what you want; to set limits; to be treated with respect and dignity; to make mistakes and accept responsibility.
   • Responsibilities: It is your responsibility to respect and honor the same rights for your mate; to take responsibility for your own behavior.
4. Be assertive and constructive:
   • Confront the problem, not the person.
   • Defuse the hostility, don’t play at patterns that don’t work. Your goal is to keep things calm so you can deal with the problem or complete the business at hand.
   • Disengage from the conflict. Pay attention to your own anger level; when necessary, express your need to interrupt the cycle and allow a cool-down period. Reschedule another time to work on the problem, then get up and quietly leave.
5. Defusing: Here are some techniques for defusing anger when you run into it:
   • First, remain calm yourself. Don’t react. Instead, use your sense of curiosity; become an interested observer. Encourage talking by listening openly.
   • Show that you understand or are trying to. Nod, paraphrase and mirror what you hear (“Let’s see if I have this right; you are saying that ______?”). You must be sincere in this for it to work well.
   • Talk to your spouse with “I” messages instead of the accusing “you.” For example, “I can’t discuss this when the TV is on so loud,” instead of “You are noisy and totally inconsiderate.”
   • Make statements about yourself when necessary, but not about your mate personally. Be specific and concrete, be positive not negative.
   • Set your limits (“If you keep yelling, I am going to leave,” or “If you are more than 30 minutes late picking up the children, I will have to leave with them.”).
   • Don’t defend or attack, don’t generalize (“You always do this to me”), don’t be sarcastic or discuss your mate’s motives or dig up old history.
   • Deal with the specific matter now at hand.
   • Reassure your mate; help him or her to save face.
   • Remember, your goal is to reach agreement, not score points.
6. Work with the attitude that you want to find solutions that allow you both to get what you want and need. Avoid the win/lose attitude.
7. Don’t expect a quick fix or miracles. You can do all the right things and not have immediate results. It’s like erosion, the sort of thing you have to chip away at. It takes time, but you will succeed if you keep at it.

Healing starts with a lot of very little changes in your daily habits. If you take charge of the little things, the big ones will soon fall in line. You must see it as a triumph when you learn to do for yourself the little things that you always depended on your spouse to do, or make decisions in areas where you always used to defer to your mate. Take pleasure in your new self-reliance when you learn to cook, take care of business, grow house plants, remember birthdays, mow the lawn, create an enjoyable living space, or keep the checkbook balanced. When you change your daily habits in the small ways, you are on your way up.

One of your great healing strengths is whatever it is that got you this far into the Divorce Helpline web site — your curiosity, your desire to know things, a desire to take control of your life. Think about your other strengths and advantages:

Gratitude.

Another major healing force — one of the most important — is gratitude. This is something you can work on intentionally. Focus on the things in your life that are right at least as much and as often as you dwell on problems. Several times each day, take the time to get quiet inside yourself and think about all the things that you have to be grateful for. Make a list. Try to develop a strong sense of gratitude for your life and its many blessings.

Self-reliance.

Getting divorced means that you will no longer let your mate’s moods and actions dominate your life. You are disentangling yourself from all the old patterns that didn’t work for you. You can’t control your spouse, but you can start to control your own actions. Learn not to react to your spouse’s bad conduct and not to push back when your own buttons get pushed. Take responsibility for your own feelings, for your own life.

Acceptance and forgiveness.

Possibly the most effective way to speed the healing process — the best way to achieve your own health and balance — is to completely accept your loss, feel your pain, and try to forgive your ex-mate and yourself. Guilt and blame are heavy burdens that can only hold you back and drag you down. Not forgiving keeps you stuck in a view of yourself as a victim. For your own sake, let it all go. Letting go is very different from repressing. You can’t heal properly if you deny, avoid or repress your feelings — to the contrary, you want to feel your pain and loss. If you accept your feelings, they will run a natural, healing course; then you can forgive, let go of the past and get on with your life.

Support.

Make an effort to seek out and use the help and comfort that is available from people in your life. You need the support of friends and family. If you can get it, use it. You can also get a lot of help from family services organizations, divorce support groups and single parent support groups. Make the effort to contact them; it may be very valuable and you have nothing to lose. For references, call your local social services or human resources agency or the local courthouse clerks. You can also get references to support groups in your area through a local church or temple. If one group isn’t what you want, try another. Then, there’s the professional support that you can get from working with a good counselor. Chapter 8 of Practical Divorce Solutions discusses how to choose a counselor.

In divorce, your emotional problems (looking backward) often disguise a great opportunity (looking forward). As Nietzsche said, taking a hard line, “That which does not kill us makes us strong.” Another way to look at it is that you can learn a lot about what is really important in life and what your goals really are. At the very least, you need to learn not to create the same old patterns, not to repeat the same mistakes.

Experience and academic studies have helped us identify the basic elements of a successful divorce. “Successful,” as used here, means completing the process of emotional separation, reaching a new center of balance as a single person, maintaining the welfare of your children, and establishing healthy attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your past marriage.

Absence of conflict is not part of the ideal divorce. A degree of anger and conflict is natural, useful, even constructive. It helps to break the bonds of attachment and old patterns of relationship; it makes you think and reflect; it makes you change. But excessive and destructive conflict requires special treatment. The discussion of severe conflict and how to deal with it is in Lesson 7 of A Short Divorce Course.

Apart from peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical advantages to struggling as hard as you can to make your divorce better. The closer you can get to the ideals discussed below, the better it will be for you and your family:

• You will ease tensions and conflict
• You will have a far greater chance for compliance with terms of agreements
• You will save thousands in legal costs
• If you have children, you will greatly improve co-parenting and cooperation

Elements of a successful divorce:

Mutuality. Lack of mutual sharing in the decision to divorce is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post-divorce periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together. This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best thing under the circumstances. The spouses should be mutually active in negotiating terms and in co-parenting. The most stable settlements occur when both spouses take an active role in the negotiations, not simply leaving it to a lawyer. A good divorce is an actively mutual enterprise.

Attitude. Each spouse should end up with a balanced view of the other spouse and of the marriage experience. There should be a sense of emotional and spiritual closure. You should be free of any lingering feeling of blame, guilt or failure. You want to create increased self-understanding, the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a sense of self-confidence.

Children. In an ideal divorce, injury to children is minimized, primarily through maintaining good co-parenting relations. Children can literally be destroyed by fighting between their parents, so it is very important that parents be able to work together for the well-being of their children. When not resolved, conflict can go on for years, even after the legal divorce is over. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that they are the cause of the divorce.

Trying to create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal you try to achieve, like ideal health or achievement in some sport. Your goals are something you work toward, but you don’t want to beat yourself up every time you fall short. Just try your best. The closer you can get, the better and smoother your divorce will go, and the better your future will be.