California Divorce Blog – Insights from Divorce Helpline Attorneys

Children and Divorce: 10 Ways to Help a Child Through a Tough Time

June 13, 2014 By Allison Hardin

Adapted from material developed by Sharon Baker for use in her family counseling practice in Rancho Palos Verdes, California.

1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.

2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.

3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.

4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with that child. Build the best relationship you can in your circumstances. The future is built of many tiny moments.

5. Children may feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know that your decision is final and will have to be accepted.

6. Often divorcing parents feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.

7. Your child is still a child and can’t become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be a parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.

8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents:

– Don’t use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded when caught in a crossfire.
– Don’t say anything bad about the other parent in earshot of a child.
– Don’t say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent.
– Don’t encourage a child to take sides.

9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.

10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself.

Divorce Coaching for Pro Per Litigants: Understanding Evidence Rules

June 2, 2014 By Allison Hardin

One of our popular Divorce Litigation Support Services involves coaching people who are representing themselves in court in a litigated divorce. Coaching can come in a variety of forms depending on each individual’s circumstances and needs. One common way we help clients through coaching is to give them advice on some of the basic ways they can object to evidence presented by the opposing party during a divorce hearing.

What many pro per litigants don’t realize is that it is not the responsibility of the judge to help them understand family law legal procedures, including evidentiary procedures that govern what kind of evidence can or cannot be admitted. Judges are supposed to maintain “judicial neutrality” and not advocate or act as counsel for someone who is representing themselves in a courtroom.

As a result, many pro per litigants can be at a disadvantage when opposing counsel submits evidence—either through statements or documents—that may not be technically admissible. If the pro per litigant does not make an objection to the admissibility of the evidence, the right to object is waived. That means that evidence that should not technically be allowed under evidence rules may be admitted and used in the decision making process leading to a final judgment.

In some instances, a judge will make what is called a material objection and will not admit the evidence. But while California family law judges are given discretion in handling cases before them, the sheer volume of pro per litigants, and the differing viewpoints and styles of every judge means that you may end up in a court room where the judge will not take this action and the evidence will be admitted.

So, what kind of objections can be used to help you in a litigated divorce proceeding? There are more than two dozen, but there are three basic ones that I tend to focus on. They are: hearsay, lack of expert opinion and lack of foundation. These tend to pop up fairly frequently, and helping people understand how to identify what types of evidence falls into these categories, and then how to properly object to that evidence can give clients a huge leg up in the process.

It’s not uncommon in family law court for attorneys to make all kinds of statements about what someone has said outside of the courtroom (hearsay). Or, for an attorney to give an opinion on something that falls out of their realm of expertise (lack of expert opinion). Or, to introduce documents that have not been proven to be authentic or whose source has not been verified (lack of foundation).

Being forearmed with some basic legal knowledge and tools that can help a client navigate the courtroom has helped many of them represent themselves effectively and achieve a better outcome than they expected in their divorce proceedings. Representing yourself doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. If you would like to know more coaching and consulting services that can help you during a litigated divorce, please give us a call at 1-800-359-7004.

When Will My Divorce Be Over?

May 9, 2014 By Allison Hardin

This material is adapted from the award-winning book by Ed Sherman, “Make any Divorce Better.” Ed Sherman is one of the founders of Divorce Helpline. His dedication to providing compassionate and cost-effective personalized legal support to those facing divorce resulted in the unique service model that distinguishes Divorce Helpline from other California divorce attorneys and divorce document services.

This is one of the most frequently asked questions, but the true answer is not what you might think.

People constantly ask us, “When will my divorce be over?” And we always have to say, “Well, it depends on what you mean by ‘over.’ ”

In one unforgettable case, a woman came in asking for orders against her ex-husband. She was haggard with emotion, nervous and upset to the point that she seemed ill. Trembling, she related at length how bad her ex-husband was, how ever since their divorce he had been poisoning her son’s mind against her and was constantly interfering with their relationship.

She seemed a bit old to have a young child at home, so I interrupted and asked the age of her son. “He’s just turned 32,” she said. And then I asked how long it had been since her divorce. “About seventeen years,” she said. This wasn’t a divorce, it was a career! A way of life!

Getting a judgment doesn’t mean your divorce is over. Not having a judgment doesn’t mean it isn’t over emotionally. The real divorce is over when you have your self back. The real divorce is over when:

The pain, anger, hurt, blame and guilt are finished
Your spouse no longer has the power to push your buttons
You are comfortable in the middle of your own life

This can happen very soon, many years from now, or never. It’s up to you.

10 Steps to Overcoming Obstacles During a Divorce

April 23, 2014 By Allison Hardin

Now that you’ve recognized the obstacles to agreement, you can do something practical about it.

These steps will help you deal with the obstacles so you can get down to negotiation. Use it as a checklist to make sure you’ve built a good foundation for your negotiations. If you run into trouble later, come back and double-check these steps.

1. Make some “New Life” resolutions: Start thinking of yourself as a whole and separate person. You may feel wounded, but you are healing and becoming whole and complete. Keep that picture in mind. Pain and confusion is part of healing. Let go of old attachments, old dreams, old patterns that don’t work; this is your chance to build new ones. Decide you will not be a victim of your spouse or the system or yourself. You will not try to change or control your spouse — that’s all over now, it doesn’t work, it’s contrary to meaning of divorce. Concentrate on yourself, especially on your own actions. You can do something about what your spouse does by changing what you do. Concentrate on your physical health, your work, children, friends. Try to become quiet and calm. Keep your life as simple as possible.

2. Insulate and protect your children: Involving children will surely harm them and upset both parents as well. Keep them well away from the divorce. Tell them the truth in simple terms they can understand, but don’t discuss the divorce or your problems in front of them. Don’t pass messages through them. Don’t let them hear you argue or hear you criticize their other parent. Let your children know you both love them and will always be their parents, no matter what happens between you.

3. Get safe, stable and secure, just for a while: Your first and most important job is to do whatever you must to arrange short-term safety, stability, and security for yourself, the children, and your spouse — in that order. This doesn’t mean forever, just for a month or a few months at a time. Don’t be concerned yet about the long-term or the final outcome. And we’re talking about minimum conditions here, not your old standard of living. Don’t even try to do anything else until minimum conditions are met. You can’t negotiate if you don’t know where you will live, how you will eat, if you are afraid for your safety, or if you think your house is about to be foreclosed or your car repossessed.

4. Agree on temporary arrangements: If you can work out your own temporary arrangements, you won’t need an attorney to get temporary court orders. Start by agreeing that you want a fair result and that you will both act fairly. Agree to communicate before doing anything that will affect the other spouse or the estate or the children. The goal here is to avoid surprises and upset, especially including things like closing accounts or starting legal actions. It takes a long time for things to settle down and for the spouses to work out a final agreement. Meanwhile, you have to arrange for the support of two households on the same old income, the parenting of minor children, making payments on mortgages and debts, and so on. It will work better if your temporary arrangements are put in writing.

5. Slow down, take some time: If you can make your situation safe and stable for a while, you don’t have to be in a hurry. Think of divorce as an illness or an accident; it really is a kind of injury, and it takes time to heal. You have to go slow and easy, be good to yourself. Some very important work goes on during this slowdown.

6. Get information and advice: First, organize your facts, records and documents. You’ll want lists of assets, deeds, statements, account numbers, income and expense information, tax returns and wage stubs. Get information from your records and from your accountant, from recent tax returns and from your spouse. Spouses should have a full and open exchange of information: it helps to build trust and confidence. In California, it’s the law, so you might as well just go ahead and do it. If information is not exchanged freely outside of the legal system, you will probably end up in court with attorneys doing very expensive discovery work.

Next, learn the rules for divorce in your state as they apply to your case. You especially want to know how predictable the outcome would be if your facts were taken before a judge. Divorce Helpline can give you a wide range of legal and practical assistance. Contact us and we can point you in the right direction.

Your friends and relatives will be a fountain of free advice, but don’t take it — the price is too high if they’re wrong. They mean well, but probably don’t know what they’re talking about. Use your friends for emotional support, but take advice only from an attorney who specializes in divorce.

7. Focus on needs and interests; don’t take positions yet: A position is a stand on a final outcome: “I want the house sold and the children every weekend.” In the beginning, there’s too much upset and too little information to decide what you want for an outcome. Taking a position is bad negotiating, and it’s an invitation to an argument. The other side either agrees or they disagree and you’re in an argument rather than a discussion. It’s better to think and talk in terms of needs and interests. These are your basic concerns: “I need to know I’ll have enough to live on. I want a good relationship with my children. I want an end to argument and upset.” When put this way, these are subjects that you and your spouse can discuss together.

8. Stick with short-term solutions: Concentrate on short-term solutions to immediate problems like keeping two separate households afloat for a few months; keeping mortgages paid and cars from being repossessed; keeping children protected, secure, stable and in contact with both parents. These are things you can try to work on together.

9. Minimize legal activity: You want to avoid any legal activity unless it is necessary. Zero is best, or the minimum required to protect yourself or get your case started. Ideally, you will avoid retaining an attorney, and you won’t give your spouse any reason to do the same.

10. Get help if you need it: Consider counseling for yourself or your children.

If you follow these steps, you’ll be well on the way to working out your agreement.

If at all possible, suggest to your spouse that they read this article too. And remember, you can always contact Divorce Helpline for advice and support to help you overcome obstacles that stand in the way of reaching a resolution with your spouse and moving on with your life.

What If We Can’t Agree? The Five Obstacles to Agreement During Divorce

April 18, 2014 By Allison Hardin

In this article we look at how to deal with disagreement — from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger — and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement.

More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn’t they?

Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What’s so hard about that? Why don’t you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn’t it? There are good reasons why it’s hard for spouses to work out an agreement — five, to be exact:

Emotional upset and conflict
Insecurity and fear
Ignorance and misinformation
The legal system and lawyers
And finally, the real disagreement

To get an agreement, in or out of the legal system, with or without an attorney, you have to overcome the five obstacles. Let’s look at them in a little more detail to see what you’re dealing with.

1. Emotional upset and conflict
This is about high levels of anger, hurt, blame, and guilt — a very normal part of divorce. If one or both spouses are upset, you can’t negotiate, have reasonable discussions or make sound decisions. Complex and volatile emotions become externalized and get attached to things or to the children.

When emotions are high, reason is at its lowest ebb and will not be very effective at that time. There are various causes of upset—from the divorce itself to the stress of major change to broken dreams. You may also fear the change that is happening and the unknown future. You may be at different stages of readiness to accept what is happening or willingness to proceed, which can be a hidden cause of conflict in many instances. You may also have a history of bad communication habits or conflict, and there may be particular events or circumstances such as a new lover or new debt that are fueling extreme emotions.

2. Insecurity, fear, lack of confidence and unequal bargaining power
You can’t negotiate if either spouse feels incompetent, afraid, or that the other spouse has some big advantage.

Divorce is tremendously undermining and tends to multiply any general lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Also, there are often very real causes for insecurity, such as lack of skill and experience at dealing with business and negotiation, as well as lack of complete information and knowledge about the process and the marital affairs.

It doesn’t matter if insecurity is real or reasonable; it is real if it feels real. This is where our coaching and consultation services can really help. You can consult with one of our attorney mediators over the phone or in person to become better informed about the divorce process and what to expect, as well as getting answers to questions about issues such as asset division, child support or your other concerns.

3. Ignorance and misinformation
Ignorance about the legal system and how it works can make you feel uncertain, insecure and incompetent. You feel as if you don’t know what you are doing, and you are right.

Misinformation is when the things you think you know are not correct. Misinformation comes from friends, television, movies, even from lawyers who are not family law specialists. It can distort your expectations about your rights and what’s fair. It’s hard to negotiate with someone who has mistaken ideas about what the rules are.

Fortunately, both conditions can be easily fixed with reliable information. We encourage you to look through at our FAQ page, as well as the articles on our Blog. If you still have unanswered questions, give us a call or fill out our contact form and we’ll help you get the information you need.

4. The legal system and lawyers
The legal system does not help you overcome obstacles to agreement. In fact, it can be one of the major obstacles that you have to overcome. The traditional adversarial court-based divorce approach is not designed to support you in reaching a mutual agreement with your spouse. That’s why we believe so strongly in divorce mediation. It provides an alternative to a combative court-based divorce and can save you time, stress and expense.

5. The real disagreement
This involves the real issues that you want to deal with rationally and negotiate with your spouse.

Real disagreement is based on the fact that the spouses now have different needs and interests. After dealing with the first four obstacles, these real issues may turn out to be minor, but even if they are serious, at least they can be negotiated rationally.

The solution is in your hands, and all obstacles to your agreement are personal, between you and your spouse and between you and yourself.

Take care. Pay special attention to emotional upset and especially insecurity and fear. These are the forces that drive people into a lawyer’s office. You want to avoid doing anything that might increase the upset and fear of either spouse.

The upset person is saying, “I can’t stand this, I won’t take it anymore! I’m going to get a lawyer!” The insecure person is saying, “I can’t understand all this, I can’t deal with it, I can’t deal with my spouse. I want to be safe. I need someone to help me. I’m going to get a lawyer.”

And this is how cases get dragged into unnecessary legal conflict.

You need to arrange things so both spouses are comfortable in managing the divorce without retaining an attorney. If you think your spouse may be upset or insecure, you have to be very careful and patient. If you are feeling incapable of dealing with your own divorce, know that there is plenty of help available through Divorce Helpline.

Going through major life changes — in other words, re-creating your life — is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. We can help you get through this life change and resolve your real disagreement so that you can take the steps you need to move forward. Contact us today and we can help you explore your options and remove the obstacles to reaching agreement.

How the Legal System Works Against You in a Divorce and What You Can Do About It

April 10, 2014 By Allison Hardin

Exploring Options to a Court-Based Litigated Divorce

The legal system and the way divorce lawyers work in it is a major cause of conflict, trouble and high cost during a divorce. However, there are steps you can take to overcome some of the inherent challenges.

Our system of justice is known as an “adversary system.” This is the nature of the beast. It began hundreds of years ago in the middle ages with “trial by combat,” where people with a disagreement would fight it out and whoever survived was “right.” Today, physical contact is no longer a recognized legal technique, but things are still set up as a fight. The parties are regarded as adversaries, enemies in combat. When a divorce is conducted in our legal system, the spouses and their attorneys are expected to struggle against one another and try to “win” the case, to “beat” the opposition.

In spite of the way things seem, lawyers are not always villains and not always to blame for stirring up conflict. But even for divorce lawyers who mean well, the tools they use and the system they work in will usually increase conflict.

Professional standards of practice dictate how a lawyer will conduct your case. For example, professional ethics forbid your lawyer to communicate directly with your spouse — the adversary. It is expected, instead, that your spouse will be represented by an attorney and your lawyer can only communicate through your spouse’s lawyer.

This means that your attorney can’t “talk sense” to your spouse, or explain to your spouse how you see things, or even help you talk to each other. It means your attorney will always have a one-sided view of your case and can never achieve an understanding any greater than your own. One way to avoid this one-sided scenario is through divorce mediation, where you and your spouse work together with a neutral third party attorney who can help you reach a settlement agreement that takes both of your viewpoints into consideration.

If you choose instead to each retain a lawyer individually, he or she will definitely take your case into the contested cycle of the legal system because that’s the only thing they can do. There are no other formal tools a lawyer can use.

So, if you and your spouse can work out your own arrangements and share all information openly, you’ll have no need for those incredibly expensive legal tools. You can keep your case out of lawyers’ offices and out of court.

Although you may feel a lot of emotion about your divorce, if you can consider approaching it not as a fight but as a process that you must go through in order to move on with your life, it may make it easier to consider all of your options.

Divorce Helpline offers a number of packages and services that can help those who don’t want to use the legal system to go around it and work out arrangements that can result in a divorce settlement agreement and a legal divorce, without having to engage in a courtroom battle. In addition to divorce mediation, we provide coaching and consultation, divorce packages, private judge services and more.

You are not at the mercy of a court-based divorce system—you have choices. Please contact us and let us help you understand all of the ways you may want to approach your divorce or legal separation.

From Grief to Growth: Stages of Recovery During Divorce – Part 3

March 26, 2014 By Allison Hardin

Twelve Rules of the Road for Getting Yourself Through Tough Times

This is the third in series of posts on dealing with grief during divorce or legal separation and taking steps to move on emotionally. This post is adapted from material developed by Sharon Baker for use in her family counseling practice in Rancho Palos Verdes, California.

When you are going through a difficult time in your life such as a divorce or legal separation, it can be helpful to know some of the common feelings you may experience and how to deal with them as they arise.

You can expect to go through a cycle of:

Shock and denial
Anger and depression
Understanding and acceptance

Then it goes around and around, many times, between anger/depression and acceptance. After a time, acceptance becomes stronger and lasts longer.

Let your attention focus on your loss; it is a good way to understand your pain. There is a message in your pain that will lead to solutions. Pain can give you motivation and energy to bring about changes.

Seek quiet and rest. Take extra good care of yourself. Exercise, eat properly, keep life as simple as possible.

Acknowledge and express your feelings. Talk to someone who knows how to listen. Keep a journal.

Seek out support from friends, family, clergy, divorce or crisis support groups and counselors.

Stay aware. Do not try to alter or numb your feelings with substances, such as alcohol, drugs or overeating.

Be realistic in what you expect from yourself. It is normal to have mood changes, to feel confused, to have mixed feelings about your spouse.

Have faith in your beliefs and in yourself. Remember to be grateful for what you do have. Having life, you are a miracle of creation. You are alive, you can feel, you can learn, you can grow.

Work. Enjoy the benefits of a daily schedule and of accomplishment, especially in the small changes you are gradually adding to your life to make it better.

Be good to yourself.

Take time to be with adults and to enjoy social activities when you are ready.

Remember that healing is already in process. Time and nature are on your side. You will recover!

If Mediation Didn’t Work, Can You Still Help Us?

March 20, 2014 By Allison Hardin

The attorneys at Divorce Helpline are skilled and experienced in helping people facing a divorce or legal separation at every stage, including when a couple’s first attempt at mediation fails. The help provided will depend on whether the couple wishes to try mediation again, or whether they think they are done with divorce mediation and feel it’s necessary to move to litigation.

For some couples, a first attempt at mediation may not provide a satisfying result, leading them to believe that hiring divorce lawyer or resorting to the courts is the only remaining option. This can be an assumption that can cost you emotionally as well as financially. I would recommend that you do not condemn the concept of mediation just because one attempt failed.

While there are instances where mediation, as a concept, is not appropriate, in most cases where mediation has failed, the problem was with the mediator, not with the parties or with mediation. It’s important to keep in mind that no two mediators are alike. Every mediator brings a different style and personality to the mediating experience. Some are attorneys, some are not. Some have the appropriate sensitivity and fluidity of style to bring to the experience, while others have nothing to offer and have no business pretending to have any talent in dealing with the nuances of mediation. That’s why it’s extremely important to interview a mediator before you select one. Ask your Divorce Helpline attorney how to properly select the right mediator and how to speak to your spouse about trying mediation again.

If you ultimately decide that mediation is not worth trying again, it’s crucial that you choose your next step carefully. A miscalculation of your alternatives can be akin to hitting a thumbtack with a sledgehammer. A Divorce Helpline attorney can first help you decide what route you should take next and then prepare you for the alternative to mediation, whether that is negotiating by yourself, by representing yourself at court or selecting and hiring an attorney to represent you.

As you can see, there are lots of options and alternatives. Know that you are not alone, and with the proper help and guidance, you will get through this difficult time. A free confidential consultation can give you the information you need to determine if mediation is a viable option, even if the process stalled or was unsuccessful in the past. Call us today at 1-800-359-7004 and we can help you decide if mediation may still work for you.

From Grief to Growth: Stages of Recovery During Divorce – Part 2

March 13, 2014 By Allison Hardin

This is the second in series of posts on dealing with grief during divorce or legal separation and taking steps to move on emotionally. This material is adapted the award-winning book by Ed Sherman, “Make any Divorce Better.” Ed Sherman is one of the founders of Divorce Helpline. His dedication to providing compassionate and cost-effective personalized legal support to those facing divorce resulted in the unique service model that distinguishes Divorce Helpline from other California divorce attorneys and divorce document services.

In Part One of this series, we examined the stages of recovery as you move through grief during the divorce process. In this section, we’ll look at some of the major emotional components of the divorce cycle. These are the feelings you are undoubtedly going to experience during your divorce. Understanding that these feelings are normal and having tools to cope with them can make the experience more manageable and less overwhelming.

Pain: You have to recognize that pain is not only natural; it can be a helper and a good adviser. In the beginning, pain may only mean that you have been injured and are healing, as if you had broken your leg or suffered a serious wound. But at other times it can be a message that something is wrong, that you have to pay attention to something you have been ignoring.

The intensity of pain during divorce can be frightening, but you mustn’t run from it or try to block it out or avoid it. Instead, embrace it; let it happen. The pain is in your heart space and that is where the real “you” lives, so it is calling you home to your center and to your real self. Endure your suffering, accept your pain and listen to it. If you do, it will run its course and heal more quickly; it will lead you to your solutions; it will provide the energy for your changes and growth; it will make you stronger.

Fear: The major challenge in any divorce is to deal constructively with your fear. Fear of pain, fear of hurt, fear of the future, fear of your ability to take care of yourself and your children, fear of losing self-respect, fear of fear. There is a basic bewilderment of life when so much is happening that you feel you can’t possibly cope; you just don’t know what to do or how to live. Fear is the root source of anger. Anger is the flip side of fear. Anger turned inward is depression.

Anger: Learning how to use anger constructively is one of the most important lessons to be gained from your divorce. Anger is a potent source of energy and a very useful emotion if you know how to use it. Anger helps get you through the first and most painful stages of divorce by providing an outlet for inexpressible emotions. It helps break the bonds of affection and attachment.

For people who have never shown it, learning how to get angry is a huge step forward. Anger will help you to stop being dependent, stop being a victim. Anger and action are far better than making a career of being depressed and downtrodden. It is possible to be angry and constructive at the same time.

On the other hand, some people become addicted to anger and they misuse it badly. Anger soon becomes self-defeating and self-destructive; the cause of bad mistakes in judgment that will work against your own interests. Anger can drag you into an uncontrolled battle.

The attraction of anger is that it is cheap and easy — easier than actually solving your real problems, easier than taking responsibility for your life. And it is reliable; always there; you can count on it. For just a moment, it can give you a false sense of power and control; it lets off steam. But anger is a solution that solves nothing. It only distracts you from having to face your own pain, fear or guilt. If you abuse anger and become a habitual user, it will poison your life and turn you into an unhealthy, lonely, bitter person. You can count on it.

Hurt: It is a painful and terrible thing to be hurt by someone you depend on, someone you love and trust. In the early stages of divorce, you may need to heal from hurt that you have experienced, but you do not need to continue allowing yourself to be hurt. Someone can hurt you only if you give them the power to do so. Hurt then becomes something you do to yourself, something you permit to happen. Staying hurt long after the divorce is over keeps you stuck on your needs and weaknesses; it reinforces your picture of yourself as a victim.

The next post in this series offers rules of the road for getting through tough times, including divorce and legal separation.

Planes, Trains and Skype: How to Make Interstate Child Custody Work

March 4, 2014 By Bill Woodcock

Given the choice, most parents don’t want to move away from their children during or after a divorce. However, when an individual has to choose between relocating and losing a job or caring for an ill parent, a move may be unavoidable. In these instances, there are things you can do to help stay connected with your children if you are facing an interstate custody arrangement.

Ideally, you and your partner will both be focused on what’s best for your children, and you will work together to manage interstate custody or other situations where one of you is living far from a child.

Depending on the child’s age, you could set up a nanny cam in a young child’s room so that the out of area parent can visually check in on a child via a laptop. This is not to spy on what your ex is doing, but rather a way to feel more connected to your infant or toddler. This is an arrangement that can be negotiated during mediation or ordered by a judge in a litigated divorce.

With older children, it can be useful to schedule regular phone chats and/or video chats with Skype or FaceTime. You can also provide a child with a cell phone that has video chat capabilities. This can be very comforting for a child to know that you are accessible at the touch of a button. You may also want to consider setting up video chat with “white board” capabilities (a technology which allows you to write in real time on a virtual white board while chatting) so that you can help a child with homework or play games together. Many age appropriate video games have multi-player capability, which, when coupled with a head-set, would allow a parent to play games with their child while chatting with them.

Video chat can also allow an out of state parent to participate in things like teacher conferences or other meetings/events concerning a child if it is not possible to arrange in-person meetings.

Another important aspect of interstate custody is face to face visits. Interstate visits are age-dependent. Young children can’t fly, so the out-of-area parent will need to come into town and stay with relatives or rent a place where they can visit with a child. For children, it can be helpful if this visiting location is kept consistent, but this is not always possible due to financial impacts.

Many couples opt to use summer vacations or school breaks to allow the out-of-state parent to spend a larger block of time with a child. In these cases, the “home” parent may wish to use video chats and other strategies outlined above to maintain their ongoing contact with their children.

Another issue which sometimes gets discussed in mediation is the idea of keeping up relationships with grandparents and other relatives of the out-of-state parent, who may live in proximity to the child. It can be very beneficial to the child to maintain contact with relatives on both sides of the family, and cooperation by the in-state parent may be necessary to make this happen post-divorce.

One final procedural point regarding interstate custody—if you are going this route, you will want to have some kind of document filed with the court outlining your agreement. Even if you and your partner are on good terms and want to handle things informally, it is important that this kind of custody arrangement be legally documented. The reason for this is that if the child ends up spending more than six months with an out-of-state parent prior to the filing of a divorce petition, then that state will have jurisdiction over the child as well as the authority to issue orders regarding custody. For example, if a child spends seven months with her mother in Arkansas prior to the filing of a dissolution petition in California, then Arkansas will be the child’s “home state” and California will be unable to make custody orders.

If you have any questions or concerns regarding interstate child custody, please give us a call at 1-800-359-7004. We can help you review options and work out a strategy to make sure your interests, and the interests of your children are represented and protected during a divorce.